Conversations Of A Dark Lord
by Taeya
Summary: Just a humour version of Voldemort's life, including pizza parties, ridiculous unneeded plots, and chick flicks. OOC, and very immature.
1. chick flicks and pizza!

**A/N:** I thought you guys might find this funny. _I_ did, so did my friends, and I'm hoping that everyone reading this will crack up laughing, so if you do like it, REVIEW PLEASE and I'll try to add the next chapter on. And I used to have another version on, but it was in script form, so it got taken off. I forgot that script form was banned… oh well. Anyway, here's the story;

* * *

Voldemort stepped up to the pizza hut counter. "Give me three large pizzas NOW, or DIE!" he said, glaring at the counter pizza hut lady.

"That'll be $5.95, please," the Pizza Hut Lady said in a bored tone, as though she dealt with customers like this every day. (For all we know, she DOES.)

"If I threaten to kill your family, can I get it cheap?" Voldemort asked thoughtfully, fingering his wand that he held out in front of him.

"No, but if you get the Pizza Hut Hot Meal you can get it for $3.95, plus a bottle of refreshing coke," Pizza Hut Lady said, wondering whether she should call the manager.

"No coke, Rookwood's allergic to coke because of some curse or another. Anything else?" Voldemort asked.

"How about Sprite?" Pizza Hut Lady asked.

Voldemort sighed. "I guess it'll have to do. But if we don't like it, I'LL TRACK YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU!"

Pizza Hut Lady looked nervous. "Right then… have a nice day," she said, handing over the pizzas and Sprite.

"I'd better, or whoever's responsible for ruining shall DIE!" Voldemort threatened.

"Weirdo!" the Pizza Hut Lady coughed.

"I heard that! I'm not stupid you know! _Avada Kedavra!_" Voldemort hissed, raising his wand. There was a flash of green light, and the Pizza Hut Lady fell lifelessly to the ground. Voldemort smirked, retrieved his money, then walked out, his cloak billowing out behind him.

" Who want's pizza?" Voldemort called out as he arrived back at his pizza party, in his evil lair.

" Me! Please, gimme some!" The Death Eaters called.

" No! They're all mine! I just asked if you _wanted_ some. Geez, it's not like we're having some pizza party or anything," Voldemort said, annoyed. Where did people get ideas like that?

" But that's what the invite said," Lucius Malfoy pointed out, wearing his party hat with pink fluffy bits on top.

" This is a chick flick night! You guys are seriously misled," Voldemort retorted, setting down the pizzas.

"You were the one who said it would be a pizza party, Dark Lord," Lucius pointed out.

Voldemort looked dumbfounded. "I was?"

"Sorry, I did the invites. That's a typo, it's meant to be 'chick flick night'," Rookwood said from the back, looking nervous.

"Idiot! _Avada Kedavra!_" Voldemort said, lifting his wand above the crowd to get to Rookwood.

"Someone get rid of the body, please!" Lucius called.

Voldemort sighed. "I should have gotten the coke," He said.

"Hey, I'm allergic to coke," Rookwood said, annoyed.

"I thought the Dark Lord killed you?" Lucius asked, crossing his arms.

Rookwood shrugged. "He missed. He hit that Death Eater guy with blonde hair. You know, Lucius Malfoy's first born son."

"Nooooooo! WHY ARNOLD! WHY NOT ME!" Lucius cried, leaping forward to hug his son's lifeless body. (And for people who don't know, Lucius had another son before Draco- ARNOLD! I know he existed… you can't deny it's not possible!)

"That could be arranged," Snape said as he entered the room.

"Where have you been? You're late for my party," Voldemort complained.

"You asked me to get the DVD's for you, remember?" Snape said, holding up a plastic bag full of DVD's.

"Ooh, ooh, did you get _Mean Girls_?" Rookwood said excitedly.

"Duh. Plus I got _Princess Diaries 1_ and _2_, _Ella Enchanted_, _the Hot Chick, What a Girl wants _and _Titanic._"

Voldemort clapped with glee. "Let's get this party started!"

"Hey, can't I avenge my son's death?" Lucius said, glaring at Rookwood.

"Whatever, just hurry up," Voldemort said impatiently.

"Hey, didn't he do it?" Rookwood said defensively when Lucius turned on him. He pointed to Voldemort.

"You're right! Die, evil Lord!" Lucius said maliciously.

"Don't you take that tone with me, young death eater!" Voldemort said.

"Sorry, master," Lucius said, looking shamefaced.

"What movie should we watch first?" Snape asked.

"I want to watch _Mean Girls_!" Rookwood said, jumping up and down.

"Did you get _Titanic_ like I asked you to?" Voldemort asked. "And _What A Girl Wants_?"

"Of course," Snape said. "I said that before.

"Good, otherwise I'd have to kill you. You killed the shopkeeper too, right?" Voldemort asked.

"Of course. Hey, is that pizza I can smell?" Snape said, sniffed the air.

"Yeah. The Dark Lord got some, but he's not sharing!" Lucius said, glaring at Voldemort.

"Good for him. Let's just start the movie now, please!" Rookwood said impatiently.

"Okay, put on _What A Girl Wants_!" Voldemort decided.

"Yay, Amanda! London, here we come!" Snape said excitedly as a Death Eater moved to comply.

"SHHH! Don't spoil the movie for me, or I'll have to kill you," Voldemort hissed.

"Sorry," Snape said sheepishly.

"I told you to be quiet! That's it, _Avada Kedavra_!" Voldemort said.

Snape sighed. "You missed. Now be quiet, the movie's started."

Voldemort pouted. "Shush yourself!"

"Fine then!" Snape snapped.

"SHHH!" Voldemort and Rookwood hissed.

Once they were settled, they continued to watch the movie, Voldemort occasionally breaking out in sobs in the sad parts.

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Sorry I took so long to rewrite it. It's not as funny as the first version, though… Well, please review!


	2. ridiculous plots and holidays

**A/N**: okay, the next chapters aren't as funny as the first one, or so I think. I sort of made everything sound really lame to make up for it… You know, like 'Snape snapped' and things like that. I still hope you enjoy it, and give me great reviews! Please? Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

"That was a great party. Do you reckon we should have another one soon?" Voldemort asked Snape in his evil lair… Location unknown.

"You bet. But next time, share the pizza!" Snape replied grumpily.

"Why?" Voldemort whined. "I'm an evil lord, I'm not supposed to share."

"Well, I got hungry!" Snape snapped. "Did you expect me to whip up something to eat on the spot? I'm a terrible cook."

"But you're great at soups! What about the pumpkin soup that I ate from your pantry? It was like, totally delish," Voldemort protested, drooling slightly at the memory.

"My pantry? I don't have one. That could _so_ not be my pantry. Oh… Lord, _that_ was my potions cabinet," Snape groaned. "What did you have?"

Voldemort sighed. "It was sooo delicious... Wait… WHAT did you say?" He yelled, only just taking in what Snape had said.

"My potions cabinet. You must have eaten the… oh geez, I don't even want to think about it," Snape said, shuddering.

Voldemort got the message, and shuddered. "Oh great! How long does it take to kick in?"

"The effects are visible by the next 2 days," Snape informed him in a formal voice.

Voldemort pondered this for a moment before answering. "I had it this morning, so it gives me time to go into hiding. Let's think up some reason why the Dark Lord disappeared, though… Oh, I know, just find some little kid and pretend that I tried to kill it, but it survived while my spell backfired, and say it's the Boy Who Lived or something. It boosts the morale of the country's citizens, so they'll have further to fall when I finally make a comeback and rule the world."

"Anything in particular?" Snape asked, getting out a notebook to record his master's wishes.

"Uh, make it a one year old boy, so that I don't have a group of empowered women coming after me," Voldemort said, and shuddered. "And try to make it the baby of someone I don't like, to make it more believable."

"Just let me check," Snape said, and turned around to the computer in the corner of the room and searched internet for possible child. "Two choices: Neville Longbottom or Harry Potter. What do you think?"

Voldemort got up and looked over Snape's shoulder at the computer screen. "Have Bellatrix mentally scar the Longbottom kid," Voldemort said, sniggering. "Funny name. And I'll go physically scar Harold."

"Harry Potter, you mean," Snape corrected. Voldemort pointedly ignored him.

Voldemort suddenly started jumping up and down. "Ooh, I got a great idea; let's make up some lame old prophecy to spice things up!"

"And I thought you had finally cracked it," Snape said. "Well, I have a set of blank memories lying around some where; we can use some on Albus Dumbledore."

Voldemort cackled and rubbed his hands. "My plan is all coming together now… I know; we should plant a false memory in Albus _Dumb_ledore's head! Muahahaha!"

"Hey, that was my idea!" Snape protested. "Find your own!"

"Let's choose a holiday destination, shall we? I was thinking of Fiji," Voldemort said loudly.

"Too obvious. France or Egypt would be better," Snape pointed out.

"Nah, Egypt is crawling in wizards. France would be better," Voldemort said.

"Hey wait, Nagini, what would you think of going to Brazil?" Snape asked, looking into a basket beside the door.

Nagini raised her head, her green eyes staring unnervingly at Snape. "Hissaasa sneks swassalisi hskasen," yesss, I'd love it! Just think of all thossse hunky pythonsss….

"So, what did she say? All I got was a bunch of hisses," Snape asked Voldemort.

"Then it's decided! Brazil it is!" Voldemort cried gleefully.

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**A/N: **There's the second chapter for you. Hope it's good! If yes, review, and tell me how good it was. If you didn't like it, review anyway! Please.


	3. the plan in motion

**A/N:** finally, the next chapter in the story! Sorry I left you guys waiting soooo long. Well, without much further ado:

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It is 0900 hours, and a sinister laugh echoes around a small, white house…

"Muahahahaha!" Voldemort laughed as he brandished a wand, standing in the living room.

"Never! Don't you lay a hand on my family!" James Potter cried, waving his wand around in defence.

"Well, I wasn't really planning on that… do you think I should? Is it evil enough? I'm an evil lord, you know." Voldemort said thoughtfully, stroking his chin in thought.

"Okay then… well, you shouldn't, anyway. You're not as evil as I expected…" James said, surprised in the change in Voldemort, and coughed twice.

"So what I'm suicidal? That doesn't mean I'm evil," Voldemort said defensively.

"You just said before that you were an evil lord…" James replied uneasily.

"So I did! Wow! Oh wait, yeah, I'm taking over the world, right… nah, it's no biggy," Voldemort said, waving his hand.

James took on a defensive stance. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I took some sort of potion- don't ask- and I need to go into hiding, so now I'm pretending that one of my killing spells backfires and I die," Voldemort explained, then walked over and sat down on the couch, pulling out some chocolate to eat.

"I don't follow," James said, confused.

"Never mind. Just pretend that you die defending your family," Voldemort replied.

James glared at him, still suspicious. "Okay then… I don't understand fully what's happening, but I'll go along with it anyway. But if you hurt my family I'll come back as a ghost and haunt you!"

"Okay, whatever, just stand over there, take an aggressive stance and say some cheesy line," Voldemort said, waving a hand.

"I'll never let you hurt my family!" James said aggressively.

"Good, now, we'll have a pretend duel. I'll make some sort of flash of green light and you fall over and play dead. Got it? Okay, ready, set-"

"EXPELLIARMUS!" James yelled, sending Voldemort flying backwards onto the couch.

"Ow! That hurt!" Voldemort whined, rubbing his back. "I said _pretend_ duel!"

"Sorry," James replied sheepishly.

"And so you should be," Voldemort replied, sniffing. "Now, I'll perform my spell…" Voldemort thought for a moment.

"Are you sure…" James was in the middle of saying, before he was hit by a jet of green light. He fell, stunned, to the ground.

"Don't worry, no sugar," Voldemort replied airily. "Hope you don't mind the inconvenience. Wait for a minute, will you, while I pretend to kill your wife and your son Harold."

'_Harold? Who's he?'_ James wondered.

"Hello? Lady? I need to talk to you," Voldemort called.

Voldemort walked through to the bedroom, where Lily was smiling benevolently, rocking a baby in its cradle. "Hello weird-robed-person-with-a-snake-like-face… Omigosh, you're He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" she gasped.

"That's right," Voldemort confirmed, beaming. "Call me Voldemort, by the way. Or Dark Lord. Master is acceptable, as well."

"I'll never call you Master... You... You... You murderer!" Lily said angrily.

"Don't be so mean! How could you?" Voldemort asked, sobbing.

"You're… crying?" Lily asked in wonderment.

"No I'm not! I'm a dark lord, I don't cry," Voldemort sniffed.

"Okay… weird. So, what do you want?" Lily asked, unsure of what to make of him.

Voldemort sighed, and explained his plan.

"That's stupid," Lily scoffed once he had finished. "Would anyone fall for that, anyway?"

"At least you got it. Your husband didn't," Voldemort replied, sighing.

"As much as I love my husband… well… he's an idiot. Anyway, your plan is silly," Lily confirmed.

"Why?" Voldemort asked.

"What will people think when they come to investigate us and find us all happy and healthy?" Lily asked.

"You're right! Hey, I'll give you free tickets to a holiday in Jamaica. You can live there until I give you the OKAY to come back," Voldemort suggested.

"Only if you watch over my baby girl Lidia!" Lily agreed protectively.

"Lidia? Girl? Oh crap! Wrong Potters!" Voldemort moaned.

"Huh?" Lily asked in confusion.

"What's you name?" Voldemort asked slowly.

"Amalia Potter," she replied without missing a beat.

"And your husband?" Voldemort asked nervously.

"Jayden."

Voldemort moaned, then walked over to the nearest wall and started thumping his head on it. "Wrong house… sorry for all this. Jayden's stunned in your living room, by the way, he'll wake up in an hour or so."

"Right… This is all very weird," Amalia said, stunned. "And that's new paint, try not to damage it."

"And I'll make it weirder by wiping all memory of this night away! Muahahahaha! _Oblivious_!" he laughed evilly, but an awkward silence settled down on them. "Oops, I hit the cat. I'll try again. _Oblivious!_"

Amalia's memory is wiped and Voldemort walks away, whistling innocently.

Two Potter houses later and another memory wipe, and Lily and James Potter disappear off the face of the Earth, leaving behind a little boy named Harold-sorry, Harry.

* * *

**A/N:** So, did you like it? I finnnaaaalllly updated this. Well, send me reviews and I'll give you more! No reviews and you'll never know what happens next! Muahahahaha! Well, I'll probably update anyway but you get the picture. _Pleaaaaaaasse_ **R&R!**


	4. optometrists and day care centres

**A/N:** Finally, I got around to writing the next chapter. Sorry, to all those people hanging on! But I haven't really planned this chapter, so if it doesn't make sense, don't blame me. I just let it 'flow'… hehehe, cheesiness.

* * *

Voldemort paced the floor of his secret lair casually, wearing a pink and green party shirt and sunglasses. "Ahh, home! It's great to be back," he commented to Snape, who lounged on his spindly chair, which he got from Ikea. Has anyone else realised how great that place is?

Snape rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't you mention something like, 'Aha! I have returned, and soon all shall bow before my power,' or something like that?"

Voldemort looked cross. "This isn't _Smallville_, you know! None of that cheesiness here. No, I'll get back to business soon, but at the moment I'm still in holiday mood."

"Enough of in a holiday mood that you're going to ignore the fact that everyone thinks you're dead?" Snape asked wryly.

Voldemort waved his hand. "Oh well. I'll make my triumphant return when I feel like it, okay? Anyway, time to get back to business; getting my revenge."

"On who? Everyone, or someone in particular?" Snape asked curiously. "There hasn't been anyone defying or anything, since you haven't been here to _defy_."

Voldemort thought for a moment. "I'm not sure. Well, I have to do something evil at some point…"

At that moment, Crabb Senior burst through the door. Voldemort blinked for a moment at the randomness of it all, until Crabb got his breath back to say, "They've escaped!"

"Oh no," Snape said, paling. "I told you that you shouldn't have made this place a day care centre…"

A torrent of screaming three and four year old kids poured into the room. Voldemort yelped and leapt up on top of Snape, who had levitated the chair above everyone's heads. "Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort yelled wildly.

Someone started crying. "Floppy!"

Snape rolled his eyes. "How could you mistake a bunny for a little girl?" He asked Voldemort. "First thing's first. We're getting you glasses."

"But glasses are un-evil-ish," Voldemort whined. "I'll look stupid. "Who'll respect me then?"

Snape thought for a moment. "Fine, we can get contact lenses. I know a good place where they have heaps of different styles and everything."

Voldemort clapped his hands. "Let's go shopping!" he squealed, adopting a high- pitched voice.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Fabulous," he replied.

"Which one would you like, sir?" The shopkeeper asked Voldemort, who was looking in the glass case at all the different styles. Snape watched on wearily, still trying to shake off a teddy bear with velcro paws.

"Avada Kedavra," Voldemort said casually, waving his wand in the direction of the shopkeeper.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Eh… Dark Lord? You hit the Christmas decorations."

"Did I? Well, they were bad anyway," Voldemort replied. "So, if I wanted to get these really cool evil red contact lenses over here, how much would it cost?"

"300 pound," the shopkeeper replied. "You've also got to have a prescription; otherwise we won't be able to get you the right magnification."

"300…? Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort squealed.

"You hit the Christmas decorations again, sire," Snape told him in a bored tone. "Might I actually suggest that you buy the contacts, then once you can see properly come and kill him?"

Voldemort gave this some thought. "Perhaps... Alright, well, give me the prescription."

"You have to go see an optometrist. They're the ones who check your eyes to see how bad your eyesight is," the shopkeeper told him, by now a little bit freaked out by Voldemort's erratic behaviour.

"I don't have to go see an optome-whatsit!" Voldemort sniffed. "My eyesight is fine. Come, Severus, let us leave this place!" He marched over to the doorway, but Snape just grabbed him and pulled him back.

"Where can we find an optometrist?" Snape asked politely.

They came out of the optometrists', an hour later, Voldemort rubbing his eye and clutching a small slip of paper.

"I swear! That guy poked my eye out!" he whined.

Snape rolled his eyes. "If you weren't fidgeting so much…"

"He did it on purpose!"

"Well, you _did_ threaten to kill him, sire."

"But he had a red and blue shirt! Did you see how it clashed? Total fashion suicide!" Voldemort defended himself.

Snape rolled his eyes. '_I seem to be rolling my eyes a lot these days… I hope I don't ruin my eyes by rolling them so much,'_ he thought wryly.

They reached the shop they were in before, Voldemort grumbling and still clutching his eye.

"He'd like to buy that pair of evil red contact lenses, please," Snape said, coming up to the counter.

"Okay. You got a prescription?" the shopkeeper asked, and Voldemort made an upset noise then handed the slip of paper over to him. The shopkeeper handed him the contact lenses, then Snape and him walked out of the shop.

"That has got to be the most embarrassing and un-evil thing that has ever happened to me," Voldemort declared loudly. "I didn't even get to kill anyone!"

Now, we move back to the evil lair, where Crabbe and Goyle had luckily managed to get the kids under control… at least, mostly.

"Crabbe! One of the children's mothers has called! She wants her kid dropped off at her place now!" Goyle yelled out, showing surprising capability at running a day care.

Crabbe made a grunting noise. "This isn't a delivery service!" he replied grumpily. "She's supposed to pick up her own kid!"

"Just Apparate there!" Goyle replied, and Crabbe grabbed a kid and Apparated away.

"Hey there!" Voldemort said loudly, Apparating with Snape behind him, carrying about five bags of shopping. "Isn't this fabulous? After we finished shopping for contact lenses we went to Myers, and I could actually get stuff because I am now able to aim properly and KILL PEOPLE!"

"That's nice; could you lend a hand here?" Goyle grunted, attempting to calm down a little boy.

Voldemort pouted and was about to object when Crabbe Apparated back. "Hey there," he said, weaving through kids to get to Voldemort. "There's something important but I forgot…"

He handed a slip of paper over to Voldemort, who read it and moaned. "The mother of that child wants to sue us," he told Snape, and handed the paper over.

"Well that's just great," Snape said dryly. "And I suppose we should have Goyle as our lawyer?"

Goyle stared at them blankly. "I need to pee," he replied.

"I _already_ peed!" another small voice piped up.

"Great! That's just great!" Snape snapped (hehehe, 'Snape snapped'…). "Not only are we being sued but we can't even kill them because it would blow our cover…"

"Don't we want to do that?" Voldemort asked, confused. "That's the reason I got my contacts."

"No! You have to lie low and wait! Not only that, but the only thing we've got close to a lawyer a six foot crony with no brains who runs a day care centre- who started this mess, by the way- and a little girl has peed on the floor!" Snape yelled hysterically.

"But I'm a _boy_," the little voice from before objected.

"Just clean it up with magic," Voldemort said.

"But I don't know _how_," Snape replied, his cheeks burning. "I'm the potions master, not the charms teacher. Come to think of it, I should be at school teaching my class!"

"Fine then, go!" Voldemort sniffed. Snape DisApparated, and Voldemort was left with his bags of shopping and millions of kids running around him.

"Does anyone here know a lawyer?" he asked.

* * *

**A/N:** So, I hope you guys think it's funny! It took me soooo long, and I didn't really have a plot so I just wandered along this idea… If I ever get around to writing the next chapter, it'll probably be about Voldemort's court case. But that probably won't be for a while because the only internet I can really access is at school, and IT'S THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS!!!! YAY! Pleeeeaaaaaasssee **review**!


	5. the courtroom

**A/N:** Hehehe… it took me a while (a really LONG while. I almost got it finished but then the HOLIDAYS came and I didn't have access to computers), but here you have it-the next chapter! YAY!

* * *

Voldemort's lair was silent and empty, except for Mable the Cleaner. The day care centre's door hung loose on its hinges, with a "Closed" sign hastily scribbled and stuck on. There was no one about…

Because Voldemort had gone to court.

"I object, Your Honour!" Voldemort yelled, standing up.

The judge blinked. "I just asked for a cup of coffee," he explained, looking down at Voldemort and frowning.

"It will distract Your Honour from the task at hand-" he began, but the lawyer opposite interrupted him.

"The cup of coffee in question," he said, pausing to push up his glasses and narrow his eyes at everyone, "contains _caffeine_, as does _all_ coffee. Caffeine keeps people awake. So I suggest, mister…" he looked down at the paper spread on the table before him and wrinkled his nose- "mister Riddle, that if you want to keep His Honour from falling asleep, then you will _make_ him drink his coffee."

"Then I'll make it myself to prevent his poisoning!" Voldemort declared, recovering quickly from his confusion at the lawyer's words. "And my name is _not Riddle, _it is _Voldemort! He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!_"

The lawyer stood still for a moment, looking at Voldemort with a politely puzzled expression. "You just named yourself…"

Voldemort _hmmphed_ and marched out a side door to get coffee for the judge, leaving Crabbe and Goyle to defend themselves. The lawyer smirked for a second, before turning to the judge. "Shall we start?" he asked impatiently.

"Uh…" the judge was young and inexperienced, and after that strange conversation, was feeling rather muddled. He would rather have waited for a cup of coffee to clear his head, but he nodded anyway.

"Great. So, does the jury find the defendant guilty?" the lawyer asked, turning to the jury.

"Hey, wait a sec! Don't you have to get proof that I did whatever it was that I did?" Crabbe asked, confusion spreading across his face.

The judge started nodding agreement, but then the lawyer crept up and whispered something to the judge. "Oh, it's a plot device," the judge said. "The author just wanted to shake things up a bit."

"Then how am I supposed to defend myself?" Crabbe asked, scratching his head.

"Not my problem," the lawyer shrugged. "You should've hired a lawyer."

Crabbe spluttered for a moment, but a guy from the jury was already standing up. "We find the defendant guilty," he declared.

"That's it, then. I sentence you to twelve months jail," the judge announced, banging his wooden hammer.

"But I've got a son to look after!" Crabbe protested.

"Send him to boarding school," the lawyer suggested, smirking.

"But… which one? How far will he have to travel?" Crabbe asked. The lawyer shrugged, and at that moment, Voldemort burst back in.

"I've got the coffee!" he yelled, holding aloft a half-filled cup of brown gooey liquid, and pushing a trolley in front of him. Plucking at his flour-stained robes, he added, "Oh, and I cooked a cake as well. Anyone want some?"

Several people in the jury put their hands up, as well as the judge, but Voldemort glared at them. "Well, too bad! I'm a dark lord- I don't share! You're not getting any!"

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**A/N:** Sorry again it took so long to post. It's a pretty short chapter… Oh well. Deal. Please review!


	6. bye bye, evil lair

**A/N:** I'd edit the last chapter, seeing as I learnt a lot about law in my Life In The Real World class, but I don't have the time, patience, or botherism. Botherism isn't a word, is it? Bother, lol. Ooh, and I only _just_ figured out how to do that line thing today! It is so cool... If I get the chance I'm going to edit the other chapters just to add the lines in. They are so _cool_... As always, **Read & Review!**

* * *

And so, Voldemort, Snape and Goyle lolled about the secret lair, sulking because Crabbe had to take some time out. Goyle played with the plastic car station and sighed when no one was there to fill his car; Snape made up potions and grumbled because there were none left to test them on; and Voldemort sulked for five minutes before getting lost in the wonders of the spindly chair.

"WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, um… 'Dark lord', we need to discuss some issues concerning your… uh, 'evil lair'."

Voldemort wheeled around to glare at the newcomer. Seeing his landlord, he groaned.

"Is this about the rent?" he asked sheepishly.

The short, thin man coughed into his hand. "No… it's about the death threats."

"Would you like me to do more?" Voldemort's expression was eager.

"No, I'd like it to stop. I have three children!" the landlord yelled, exasperated. "I'm concerned over their safety. If you continue, I'm going to have to, er, remove you. "

"No can do. Either I give threats, or I'm out!" Voldemort declared somewhat foolishly, rising out of his chair and glaring at the landlord.

The landlord nodded. "If that's how it's going to be," he said.

Twenty minutes later, Snape, Voldemort and Goyle sat on the pavement outside a supermarket. Voldemort and Goyle were surrounded by baggage, but luckily Snape had his own apartment, so he was just there for moral support.

"What are we going to do now?!" Voldemort moaned, putting his face in his hands. "Now that we don't have an evil lair anymore…" He started crying.

"It's about time I visited my mother," Goyle said, shrugging, and Apparated away.

"Gee, some friend he is!" Voldemort sobbed.

"Uh, he's not a friend, he's a _crony_," Snape pointed out dryly.

"He's not? I THOUGHT HE WAS MY FRIEND! BUT I WAS WRONG! NOBODY'S MY FRIEND! NOBODY LOVES ME! I'M SO ALONE!!!" Voldemort wailed.

Snape wondered whether to shift away, but then settled on patting Voldemort's back. "There there, it's all right, people love you… What about your mother?"

"SHE DIED!" Voldemort yelled, glaring at Snape, before continuing to sob.

And then, a large dark shape appeared above them. They looked up, shocked, as a shaft of light beamed down on the pair of evildoers… a moment later, the pavement on which they had sat was empty, and the space ship was gone.

* * *

**A/N:** BUM BUM BUH!!! Hehe… This is kind of short. Sorry about that. But short chapters mean that I update more often. Well, _please_ review! I'll update as soon as I can!


	7. in the face of UFO's

**A/N:** I've been kind of… uh… lax. My past two chapters have been waay too short. So I'll make this one longer! …These are becoming increasingly random… **R&R!**

When Voldemort came to, it was dark. "ARGH! I'VE GONE BLIND!" He screamed.

"No, someone just left the lights off," Snape replied. "Do you know where we are?"

"No idea," Voldemort said. "But my hands are tied up above me. I think I'm hung on the wall! Goodness- no, sorry, evilness! How humiliating!"

"You're a wizard! Why don't you just Apparate?!" Snape said, exasperated.

"Hey, yeah!" Voldemort said, realization dawning on his face. There was a pinging noise, and Voldemort banged his head on the wall.

"What was that?" Snape asked.

"I think there's some sort of… spell! I can't Apparate!" Voldemort moaned. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!"

Snape snickered (lol, alliteration!).

"You did that on purpose!" Voldemort accused. "You knew that would happen!"

"Why, Dark Lord, would I do that?" he asked, blinking innocently. Not that anyone could even see his face in the pitch-dark.

"Nah, I know you're a loyal follower," Voldemort told him warmly. "So, loyal follower, do you know a way out?"

"Nup," Snape replied. They hung in silence for a while, thinking.

"SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF HERE!" Voldemort yelled, writhing around in his bonds. "_I'm really really bored_!"

There was a clang, and a dragging metallic noise, and lights flickered on. Voldemort blinked his eyes. When his vision returned, he saw that he and Snape were tied to opposite walls in large, empty room, which had strange golden metal walls and a handle-less door.

"Well, this place is _weird_," he said.

Then he noticed the tall, green person standing in front of the handle-less door. "ARGH! A UFO!"

"Technically I'm an _alien_," it said. "UFO's are 'Unidentified Flying Objects', and I'm not flying, am I?"

"You could be, though," Voldemort replied, narrowing his eyes. "It could all be a conspiracy to convince me that you walk on the ground like any normal wizard, so you can infiltrate our ranks…"

"What would be the point in _that_?" the alien said, confused. "I could just invade you any minute that I wanted to. Besides, no one's going to think I'm a human if I'm _green_."

"So you _don't _want to?" Snape asked hopefully.

"Nyerrrr… I didn't say that," it said.

"Nyer?" Snape questioned.

"It's the alien equivalent of 'um'," Voldemort said in superior tones. "DUH."

"So…" Snape drummed his fingers against his bonds. "Why are we here?"

"I'm removing all other world leaders and dictators and other competition so that I can invade your world," the alien said.

"Ah," Voldemort said. "I thought you didn't want to…"

"I didn't say that," the alien said. "You were making presumptions."

"But I'm not a world leader," Snape protested. "I'm a _school teacher_."

"I know. That's why you're going," the alien replied, and pressed a button on its belt. Snape yelped as he was enveloped in a misty yellow light, and disappeared.

"Argh! What did you do to my minion?!" Voldemort yelled. "I need him to do all my dirty work!"

"From now on, the only dirty work you're going to do is your laundry," the alien retorted. "I'm off to take over the world. You're going to be discharged."

"That's it, I'm outta here!" Voldemort said, and tried to disApparate again. He banged his head on the wall as he pinged off the invisible barrier, and fell unconscious. "Oh evilness," he said, before his head drooped. The alien pressed the same button on his belt, and a yellow mist enveloped Voldemort and _discharged him_.

**A/N:** Yay! That was half a page longer than my last one! Please review! And watch out for the next chapter to find out whether discharged means 'dead' or 'transported to a world of no return' or 'forced to do his chores'. I don't really care about the real dictionary meaning. It just sounds right. REVIEW!


	8. 5 DARK LORDS in Space

**A/N:** The following chapter was originally intended as a separate story called "5 Dark Lords in Space" but I put it in here. It's got crossing-over-stuff with other things, like real life, Star Wars, and the Simpsons. Isn't it cool? It must be my longest chapter ever! **R&R!**

**Warning: ****If you're sensitive about Hitler, do not read this fic. **He's portrayed as… I dunno, and I don't know if anyone will take offence… If you do, I'm really sorry in advance.

* * *

There was darkness.

Voldemort was floating, disoriented, in a black nothingness that screamed out evil and suffering and loneliness.

"Cool," he whispered reverently. His voice fell flat in the floaty emptiness.

"Who's there?" someone else called out, with a German accent. "Vere am I? Vat am I doing here?"

"Don't ask me. Wait, do," someone else said in a dark heavy voice, breathing heavily.

"So, can you tell me vere I am?" the German guy asked. Voldemort waited silently for the answer, curious about the exchange.

"Yes!" the dark voice said, the breathing noises that he made starting to get on Voldemort's nerves. "We're in Space!"

"Gee, that answers a lot," Voldemort muttered. "What do you mean, 'space'?"

"Who are you people?" someone else asked in a feeble, angry voice. "And what am I doing here?!"

"I have no idea who these other doormats are-" the heavy-breathing guy started, but Voldemort interrupted.

"I think you mean, 'Hail the Dark Lord'," Voldemort said hotly.

"Why thank you," heavy breathing guy replied. "I worked hard for my title, in slaughtering countless citizens."

"I think you'll find that _I_ have slaughtered countless more innocents than you pathetic lot," a new voice said haughtily.

"How many people are here?"

"I don't _know_! There are too many! My head will explode if another nameless person joins the conversation!" Voldemort wailed.

"Okay, so let's introduce ourselves then," the old guy said a bit haughtily. "I'm Montgommery Burns. You can call me… Mr. Burns."

"How original," someone else commented dryly. "I'm Wyatt Halliwell. I'm also very and extremely evil."

"So am I!" the heavy breathing guy said. "I'm Darth Vader."

"I'm Hitler," the German guy said. "And if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my dictatorship."

"Your dictatorship ended like, a gazillion years ago!" Voldemort said. "And for anyone who wants to know before you die, I'm Voldemort."

"And now it is time for you to _die_, uh… What was your name? Vladimir?" Darth Vader asked.

"It's VOLDEMORT!" the previously named Dark Lord seethed. "GET IT RIGHT, ASTHMA BOY!"

"I DON'T HAVE ATHSMA!" Darth Vader yelled right back. "I fell into a pit of _lava_ and I need to wear this suit to keep me alive and breathing. It's very noisy."

Voldemort paused. "Let's play strip poker!" he laughed manically.

"Vait a second… _Lava?!_ Don't tell me, you vere lowering James Bond into a pit of boiling magma and your plan "backfired"…" Hitler said sarcastically.

"Not James Bond. Obi Wan Kenobi," Darth Vader sulked. "I wasn't lowering him into lava, either; I was planning a house for my wife and me when I turned over to the Dark Side."

"I saw that movie!" Wyatt said. "It was lame. Number 4 was the best."

"Movie?" Darth Vader asked.

"AHAHAHAHA you're all fictional characters!" Voldemort laughed. "Darth Vader's from a movie, Wyatt's from Charmed, Mr. Burns is from the Simpsons and Hitler is _dead_!"

"Hey! I'm not fictional!" Darth Vader said, hurt. "That's like saying that you're all figments of my imagination! It's mean!"

"Well, you are sitting in the middle of space with four _Dark Lords_ of Earth," Wyatt said.

"Has anyone apart from me noticed that all the _really evil_ people come from Earth?" Darth Vader said suddenly.

"What, you think I'm human?" Mr. Burns asked.

"Hey yeah!" Voldemort said with dawning realisation. "Boy, is our planet screwed-up."

"Just our childhoods, I suspect," Wyatt added vaguely.

An awkward silence settled down upon them.

"So…" Voldemort said nervously, tapping his arm. "Who likes pizza?"

"Do I have to kill you to get it?" Darth Vader asked.

"Yep," Voldemort replied.

"Then _die_!" Darth Vader said, switching on his light saber. It illuminated his black mask eerily. Red light glanced off a ring on Mr. Burns' finger and Voldemort's bald head.

Putting a hand on his head, embarrassed, he whipped out his wand. "No, YOU'RE gonna die!" Voldemort yelled, a shot of green light being emitted out of his wand in a light-sabre-ish way. They floated and met in the air with a tinkle and a clash.

Swan Lake music started playing.

"Aww," Voldemort grumbled. "What happened to the fight-to-the-death tape?"

"We're in the middle of space," Wyatt said, annoyed. "This is all we have."

They sat quietly for a moment, the Swan Lake music playing in the background. Then Wyatt looked around, and said, "Has anyone seen Mr. Burns? He seems to have disappeared."

"Meh, he got rescued a vile back by somevun called Vailing Smithers," Hitler said, shrugging.

"WHAT? Why didn't they rescue _me_?" Voldemort whined. "I wanna go _home_."

"Oh _quiet_, you blithering fool," Wyatt snapped. "Can't you see that we're all in this together? When the next spaceship or Martian comes along, we'll all escape together."

Silence reigned. "You do know that I'm _evil_, right?" Voldemort pointed out apprehensively. "There's not much of a chance of me coming back for you."

"_Fine_!" Wyatt sniffed.

"_Fine_!" Hitler yelled.

There was more silence, and Hitler said hesitantly, "There should have been another _fine_ there."

"Hey," Voldemort exclaimed angrily. "That creep with asthma escaped! He must have signalled his minions somehow—and after all we've been through together, he deserted us!"

"There, there," Wyatt said, awkwardly floating up to Voldemort and patting him on the back. Voldemort buried his head on Wyatt's shoulder and started sobbing. "We'll get out of here. I'll think of a spell and I'll…"

"SPELL!" Voldemort jerked upright. "Of course, I'm a wizard! And that stupid alien isn't here with that stupid shield! I'll _apparate_ out of here!"

He twirled around and disapparated.

* * *

**A/N:** Yay! It took me ages to finish this, but oh well. Was it worth the wait? Send me a review and tell me! The next chapter will be back up as soon as possible. 


	9. Space, harry potter, and pianos

**A/N:** Last chapter took a really long time to write, so I've tried to get this one up quickly. Relatively quickly, I mean. Lol.

* * *

When Voldemort arrived back home, the world was silent. Chocolate wrappers and tumbleweed were blown across the empty streets and past boarded-up shop windows. A rat scurried across the street, and Voldemort pointed his wand at it. It was frozen in its spot.

"You there!" he yelled. "What happened here?" The rat trembled, then turned back into Peter Pettigrew. Voldemort moaned. "Not you _again!_"

"Master!" he whimpered. Voldemort sighed and started tapping his foot in annoyance. "Everyone is out of sight because we are all hiding from the invading aliens…"

"Hiding where?"

"Under kitchen tables, mostly, under beds and behind lamp posts, as well. The aliens aren't particularly observant," Peter said.

"Well, I've had enough of this!" Voldemort declared.

"You've only been here three seconds, Dark Lord," Peter said, puzzled.

"Shut up," Voldemort mumbled. "Everyone, come out of your hiding places and let us defeat the aliens once and for all!"

There was silence. No one stepped forwards.

"Oh, for _goodness_—I mean, _evilness_' sakes!" Voldemort exclaimed. "Am I going to save the world or are you guys too stubborn to trust me?"

There was silence, and then someone called out in a very small voice, "We're… uh… too stubborn…"

Voldemort scowled. "Fine then, _doom_ the human race!" he yelled, and stormed off. No one followed.

When Voldemort finally came to a halt, it took five minutes for him to realise that he was in a different location. He'd assumed that he'd walked in a circle. But there was a bush in a place that there wasn't before, and there weren't any people. Probably because this little, unoriginal suburb was the _ALIEN HEADQUARTERS_! Bum-bum-buuuuh!!

"Shut up," Voldemort grumbled at the narrator. "The world is dramatic enough that we really _don't_ need scary music as well."

At that moment, a piano fell on Voldemort's head.

"Oi! No it didn't," Voldemort argued. "You made that up!"

He caught me out this time. But next time…

"Get on with the story!" Voldemort yelled, waving his wand in a vaguely threatening way at the sky, although that's not actually where the narrator sits. They usually get this little podium behind the—Oh, right. Sorry. Back to the story.

At that moment, the aliens realised that superior technology and humongous green heads were no match for the human's excellent natural hiding ability, so they flew away. Three figures landed with a _plop_ on the ground where they had been, pleased with their escape, and ran off to plan some devious deeds. Voldemort waved and was about to follow them, when who would show up, but—

"Harry Potter!" Voldemort exclaimed. "What are you doing here? I thought you had to go to school."

"I do, but there's nothing wrong with a day off every now and then," he said lightly, then raised his wand. "You killed my parents! Die!"

"Killed your what?" Voldemort asked blankly, then shook his head. "Oh, _them!_ No, I sent them off to Australia. I'll give you their phone number if you want."

Harry stared at Voldemort. "Okay then…"

"Hey, let's go to the moon!" Voldemort suggested gleefully, clapping his hands.

"I don't know how to Apparate just yet," Harry said glumly.

"Just go side-along," Voldemort said dismissively. "How'd you get here, then?"

"I… Time to go!" Harry turned to run, but Voldemort slung his arm over Harry's shoulder and steered him into the middle of the street.

"Then let's go to the moon!" he crowed, and Disapparated. A moment later they had zoomed way past the moon and onto…

"Yay, let's play ball!" Voldemort exclaimed, grabbing a beach ball and throwing it into the air. It sailed up, and up, and up, and up… And didn't come back down again.

"This isn't the moon!" Harry yelled accusingly, gesturing at the bleak red landscape. "This is Mars, you _idiot_!"

"In that case, the ball should be back by now," Voldemort said, squinting into the sky.

Harry sulked for a few moments, and then sniffed the air. "Is something burning?" Voldemort dragged his attention away from the sky and whipped around, looking for the source of the smell. Harry pointed at Voldemort's cape in horror. "Quick, look!"

"Oh no!" Voldemort wailed, stamping at the flames. "My Genuine Authentic Evil Mad World Dictator's cape that cost ₤50—or would have if I hadn't killed the manager—is on _fire_! Quick, _put it out!_"

"How can I? This is the _waterless planet,_ in case you haven't noticed," Harry snapped. "I'm not likely to find a fire hydrant anywhere near…"

"_Spit!_" Voldemort screamed. "Spit like you never have before!"

"Even more than that time when Hermione, Ron and I were playing a spit-on-Snape-without-him-noticing competition? Because that would be pretty hard to beat," Harry told him doubtfully.

"YES! Spit more than that! Spit for your life! Spit for _my_ life!" Voldemort yelled, running around wildly as though that would carry him away from the flames. It didn't. The flames got bigger, despite the fact that there was less oxygen on Mars than there was on Earth.

Harry spat uselessly at it, running after Voldemort. "It's no use! I'm running out of spit!"

"Oh, for goo—I mean, _evilness'_ sakes, aren't you a wizard?" Voldemort yelled.

"Hey, yeah!" Harry said. "I'm outta here." He Disapparated, despite the fact that he claimed that he couldn't.

"Aww," Voldemort moaned, as his cape fluttered to the ground as ashes. There was a whistling kind of silence, and eventually he gathered up the remains of his cape and left.

An alien peered out of a crater. "Damn it, is there _nowhere_ that humans have penetrated?" It grumbled.

* * *

**A/N:** Yay I finished it! And it's not too short or anything, which is good. I seem to have a space theme going on here. ♫♪ tra-la. I'm feeling random today. REVIEWWW!!!! 


	10. what to do now?

**A/N**: Sorry, pretty short chapter. But at least I'm updating more:) **R&R**!

* * *

"I'm bored," Voldemort declared. 

"Go bug someone else about it," Snape said disgustedly. "I'm trying to teach a class here!"

Thirty potions students blinked up at Voldemort, awe and fear written on their faces in permanent texta. "But I like the attention," he whined, then beamed at the students. "Hey, which one of you can think of something for me to do?"

There was silence. A pin dropped. Then a little kid put up his hand shakily. "You c-cou-could d-d-draw a pi-pic-picture," he stuttered, his face turning red.

"Nah…" Voldemort sighed. "I'm just not in the mood."

"Go to outer space!" a little girl exclaimed, and giggled.

"Been there, done that."

"You could _die_," a voice said from the back. Voldemort looked up to see Harry approaching him, wand raised.

"Oh, come _on_," Voldemort moaned. "Give it a _break_. Can't you go play chess or something, or with that secret collection of beanie kids."

"_How did you know about that?_" Harry gasped, taking a step back. "That was a _secret_."

"One would think that's why it's a _secret_ collection," Voldemort said sagely, then clapped his hands. "Let's go get dressed up and go to the _Manifest_!"

"Manifest?" Snape asked disbelievingly. "Since when have you been into manga?"

"Since I saw the first episode of _Yu-Gi-Oh_," Voldemort said dreamily, his eyes glazing over. "The _very best_ T.V. show _ever_."

"Yeah right!" Harry scoffed. "Nothing comes above the O.C."

"What, that bunch of kids who eat oranges all day? How do they manage to do that for an _hour_?" Snape asked crossly.

"They don't eat oranges! Where do you live, under a rock?!" Voldemort demanded, glaring at Snape, who sniffed and looked at the ground.

"Yes," he mumbled.

There was silence. A pin dropped. Voldemort waved his wand at himself and a moment later was wearing a Yu-Gi-Oh costume, complete with a black wig and plastic upside-down pyramid. "Yay, manga! We're off to the Manifest!"

"Does that include us?" a kid asked excitedly.

Snape sighed. "Might as well."

And so Snape, Harry, Voldemort and a class of first year potion students at Hogwarts went to the Manifest. Snape went dressed up as Sailor Moon.

* * *

**A/N:** Don't have time to write more. Yay, manga! I'm going through a phase... **Review!**


	11. Harry Potter Day

**A/N:** Sorry I took sooo long updating. The school holidays came up and it wasn't until a whole week after I got back that I remembered I had ever written this… But I'll update more often sometime soon. I might actually be getting the internet at home! dreamy, faraway look But maybe I should stop my ramblings now. **R&R!

* * *

**

"Yay!"

"If you say 'yay' one more time, I _swear_…"

"You'll do what, Severus?" Voldemort teased, then wrinkled his nose. "Urgh. What on earth was your mother thinking?"

Snape burst into tears. "How could you say such a thing? But as I said," he continued, stifling his emotions, "You have said 'yay' exactly _forty-seven times._ Can you just _not do that anymore?!_"

"No," Voldemort sighed. "It's a sacrifice you're just going to have to make."

They sat in silence for a while.

"So, what do you do for a living?" Voldemort asked cheerily.

"I teach," Snape told him through gritted teeth. "We took my class to the Manifest, remember?"

"Oh yeah! Hey, remember that guy's costume…" Voldemort started excitedly, but Snape cut in.

"What do _you_ do for a living?"

"I rule the world, of course," Voldemort said proudly.

Snape shook his head. "Uh, might I point out that you don't get paid for that. You haven't even taken over Britain yet!"

Voldemort gasped, and sobbed, "How could you?!"

"_Get a job_," Snape ordered.

"No!" Voldemort pouted.

"Go read a book or something then!"

Voldemort considered this. "Alright," he said. "Let's go." He immediately Apparated to a book store.

Several screams sounded as people saw a pale-faced red-eyed man in a black dress appear out of nowhere into the bookshop. He ignored them, instead browsing through the store calmly.

"Ooh, the next book in the Obernewtyn Chronicles!" a young teenage girl said in awed tones, converging upon a bookshelf covered in aforementioned books. Voldemort wandered over to take a look. He picked up the book and started reading aloud the blurb.

"_When Freakseeker Guildmistress Harry GoPotter sets out from OberHogwarts to travel to Londium at the end of Wintertime, she quickly learns that not everyone welcomes the changes brought about by the rebellion. Captured by an old and vicious enemy, she is drawn deep into the heart of the DeathEatery Faction, where she learns of a terrible plot to destroy the west coast."_

He paused for a moment. "What the heck?!" turning it over, he noticed the title; The Stone Key, the fifth book in the Obernewtyn Chronicles—the revised Harry Potter edition! "The _Harry Potter edition_?" he spluttered. "This is ridiculous."

He brought it over to the counter. "Hi, I'd like to get this…" he started.

Turning around from the counter was a tall boy with messy black hair, round glasses and a lightning bolt scar. "How may I help y—"

"AARGH!!" Voldemort yelled, backing away. "It's _him_!"

The shopkeeper looked at him blankly. "And it's you," he replied. "Fantastic make-up, by the way. I didn't think anyone would really get into Harry Potter day, but there you go."

"Harry Potter day?!" Voldemort screeched.

"Uh, yeah. Harry Potter is so popular now that it's a public holiday, except for the bookstores," the shopkeeper said airily. "Do you want me to put that it a bag?"

"Why isn't there a Voldemort day?" Voldemort demanded.

"Because Voldemort sucks," the shopkeeper replied.

"That's the last straw!" Voldemort screeched, grasping his wand. "Avada Kedavra!"

A jet of green light shot out of his wand and hit a book behind the shopkeeper.

A moment later he was thrown out by store security.

* * *

**A/N:** Meh, wasn't sure how to end that bit there. Has anyone noticed that Harry almost died in the Chamber of Secrets? I mean, _after_ he got out. When he freed Dobby and Lucius drew back his wand, hissing, "_Avada…_" If it weren't for Dobby, what would have happened to poor Harry? Urgh, that just reminded me of Harry/Ron… I hate that ship. It's completely illogical and wrong. THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS!!! Review! 


	12. Presssents, Sssstalkerss and Ssslash

**A/N:** Chapter 12! Credit for Valentines ideas in this chapter goes to bluehuepirate. (And she didn't want me to put this up until she'd put up _her _valentine's fic, so that's why it took so long) Meh, I know stealing ideas is lazy and baad, but what do you think this whole website is dedicated to! **R&R!** Please!

* * *

Voldemort shook out the calendar. "Finally, it's Voldemort's Day! Now I can go kill Harry Potter and no one will complain! Nasty little kid."

"Um, what has he ever done to you?" Snape sighed, from his position at the kitchen bench(they were eating pancakes for breakfast).

"He killed me, remember?" Voldemort replied, sounding offended.

"You staged that, remember? And all because you accidentally drank a potion that turned you into a girl for eleven years!"

"Shh!" Voldemort dived under the table. "We _must not speak of it_!"

"So when are you going to do this?" Snape asked.

"Right now!" Voldemort declared, whipping out his wand. "There's no time to waste!"

Snape looked sceptical. "But Voldemort's Day doesn't even exis—!"

With that, he Apparated to Harry Potter's house.

"Hellooo?" Voldemort called out, looking up at the window. "This is Harry's house, right?"

The door opened, and out marched a fat man with a toothbrush moustache. "I'll have no hocus-pocus around here…" he shouted angrily, but stopped short at the sight of Voldemort's snake-face. "Who are you?"

"I'm Voldemort," he started, but the man was already running back inside the house. Crashing sounds ensued, and a moment later a scrawny boy with glasses was thrown out the front door.

"Deal with him!" was heard.

Harry scratched his forehead. "Oh, hi," he said, looking nonplussed. "Uh… Long time no see? Um… What are you doing here?"

"I've come to kill you! Muahahahahahahaa!" Voldemort cackled, raising his wand.

Harry's eyes widened. "Hey, wait a second! I haven't even been laid yet! You can't kill someone so innocent!"

"I _so_ can!" Voldemort boasted. "You're my mortal enemy, so it's my job to kill you!"

"What have I ever done to you!" Harry exclaimed.

"Oh, hello Harry," someone said breathlessly from behind him. Harry whirled around and Voldemort noticed a short red-haired girl leaning on the brick wall fence, breathing hard. "I just ran here as soon as I remembered! Today is Valentine's Day, isn't it!"

Harry looked horrified. "Ginny!" he edged closer to Voldemort, and whispered, "You can kill me now."

Voldemort perked up suddenly. "No, you've got it wrong. Today's Voldemort's Day. Everyone has to worship me, so chop-chop! Kneel before your lord!"

Harry looked sideways at him. "No, it's Valentine's Day. You must've… um… got the two days mixed up?"

"So, Harry! Want me to solve your innocence problem? But not so he can kill you," Ginny shook her head so hard it looked like it would fly off her shoulders and hit someone in the eye. "Ohhh, no! I would fight to the death to protect you, Harry! I would kill for you, Harry! I would commit a lover's suicide with you, Harry! I would…"

Harry looked over at Voldemort. "So, if you're not going to kill me, can you kill her instead?" he asked over Ginny's declaration of love.

"…I would shave my head for you, Harry! I would follow you to the ends of the earth for you, Harry! I would bake people into pies for you, Harry! I would…"

"Wait a second!" Voldemort froze. "Valentine's Day? No! That means I can't kill you yet! Although, you should probably take that girl's offer up on getting her to shave her head."

"…So will you be my Valentine, Harry?" Ginny finished, looking up at Harry with a maniacal gleam in her eyes.

"No, sorry, I don't date stalkers!" Harry exclaimed. He looked around wildly, then grabbed Voldemort and pulled him close. "I already have a Valentine's! Look! See!"

"You're going out with _him_?" Ginny gaped, noticing Voldemort for the first time. "Eeew, but you're both guys!"

"Homophobe!" Voldemort sneered. "It's called freedom of choice! Wait, _why_ am I helping him!"

"Yes, we've been going out since forever!" Harry said forcefully, stamping on Voldemort's foot. "You've never had a chance, Ginny. My heart belongs to him!"

"What!" Ginny and Voldemort chorused in horror.

"Come on, let's go!" Harry said, putting his arm around Voldemort's waist and dragging him down the street.

"Heeeellp meeee!" Voldemort wailed. "I'm being kidnapped by a fifteeennn yeear oollld booyyyy!"

"But Haaarrrrryyy! NooO, you caan't beee!" Ginny moaned, her voice getting further and further away.

A few streets away, Harry finally let go of Voldemort and collapsed on someone's lawn. "Phew! That was way too scary."

"What's all this about?" Voldemort gasped.

"She's stalking me!" Harry curled up into a foetal position and started rocking backwards and forwards. "Every day, every night! Pies in the window, heart shaped letters on the pillow, flashes of red in the darkness! …can't escape, can't live, can't die, can't have a life… She's watching, always watching…"

"Uh… Are you okay…?" Voldemort patted his shoulder. "Everything's going to be okay. She's gone now. It's all over."

Harry grasped his arm. "No! It's only just begun! Even now as we speak her spies are all around us!"

"Okay, you can let go now…"

"We must continue the charade!" Harry stood up so suddenly Voldemort was knocked backwards. "We have to keep on going until she goes away! Or she'll be back, _she'll be back_!"

"What? Continue the charade!" Voldemort started shuffling backwards, crushing some flowers. "I think I'll go home now…"

"No! I mean, yes! We must convene at five o'clock tonight! Bring your Valentine's present!" Harry commanded desperately, pulling Voldemort to his feet. "Say you'll come! SAY YOU'LL COME!"

"_Okay_, okay! I'll come!" Voldemort capitulated, looking down at the grass ashamedly.

"Good. GOOD! She'll go away then, she'll leave me alone…" Harry disappeared with a pop.

Voldemort went back to his evil lair, back to safety, where crazy fifteen year old boys couldn't track him down and force him into dates to sort their own stalker issues. He was trying to get through the door when he realised that there was a mass of quivering black on the welcome mat (Welcome to the Lair. Enter And You Shall Die).

"Who's there?" Voldemort stopped in his tracks.

"It's meeee, Bellatriiiix!" The mass of gothy black sat up to reveal it was a woman with a gaunt, grinning face and a twitching eye. "I baked you a pieeee!"

"Does it have people in it?" he asked warily.

"Of course! I learnt how to do this on the set of _Sweeney Todd_!" she said proudly, holding up the pie.

Voldemort dissApparated.

A few hours later, he sat awkwardly across the table to Harry in a pink-themed coffee shop in Hogsmeade.

"Soo… Can I go now?" he asked hopefully.

"NO! She might be here! And her minions are everywhere, so keep up the charade!" Harry hissed, then smiled sweetly. He handed Voldemort a large cage with a blanket hanging over it. Voldemort lifted the blanket with trepidation, and gaped at the little green budgie inside.

"Aww, a budgie!" he said, bringing the cage up to his face.

"I hope you like it," Harry replied nervously, glancing around at the shop and beaming at all the visitors.

"Aww, you're a pretty green colour—_just like this curse_! Avada Kedavra!" the bird fell to the bottom of the cage with a thud.

Harry gaped. "You just killed my present!" he said, outraged.

"It deserved it," Voldemort shrugged. "It tweeted."

"That's what it's meant to do, you numbskull!" Harry moaned.

"So does this mean you don't want your present?" Voldemort asked meekly.

Harry looked up. "What did you get me?"

Voldemort held out a small wicker basket. "It's only small," he started, as Harry lifted the lid. "But it'll grow to an awesome killing size later on in life. You can laugh maniacally as it squishes your victims to death! No evil genius is complete without one."

"But I'm not an evil genius," Harry said, lifting the python out of the basket. "And I have to point out—neither are _you_."

Voldemort pouted. "We can feed it the budgie! How genius is that!"

"No! Harry, he's not right for you!"

"Merlin's beard, she _is_ a stalker!" Voldemort exclaimed, as a shifty looking patron in the corner of the room ran over and pulled off a black wig to reveal bright red hair.

"Not so fast, my Widdle Dark Wordy!"

"Now who's the one to talk?" Harry teased as Bellatrix came running up from behind a pot plant.

"We, as your fangirls, have unanimously decided that neither of you are right for each other!" Bellatrix and Ginny feverishly chanted in unison, pulling out pink, poorly-made heart-shaped badges with the words FANGRLZ UNYTD scrawled in black lipstick on top. "You reserve the right to come quietly and cooperatively, and no fluffy handcuffs shall be used!"

"There should be a theme song to tha—No! I'm not a toy!" Harry yelled as he was pulled kicking and screaming from the table and dragged away by Ginny. "Nyyyaaaaaaargggghhh…" They disappeared with a loud pop.

_Ssssorry, misssster,_ the snake said to Voldemort as he was shackled to Bellatrix's wrist. _But Ginny offffffehred me mohre than jussst green budgiessss. Ssssshe gave me ssssomething to live fffoohr._ It clumsily, and proudly, held up another FANGRLZ UNYTD badge.

"You betrayed me!" Voldemort gasped. "And I thought you were a boy!"

Then he, too, was dragged kicking and screaming from the room.

**A/N:** Wow, long chapter. At least my writer's block is finally and _completely_ gone. Hehehe, Fangrlz Unytd. I actually misspelt that at one point as Fangrlz Untyd… lol.

Lol, seriously, my favourite part is the "Aww, you're a pretty green colour… _Just like this curse_!" Muahahahaha.

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_**Ple**__**assssssse rehview**_


	13. Rita Skita's last interview

CHaTPER thRIETENE

**A/N:** I think my creative streak is waning. I'm too busy obsessing over anime to keep writing! But I do. I'm such a great writer, aren't I? Self sacrificing and all that. righteous martyrdom Okay whatever. This whole chapter is meant to be written as an article in the Daily Prophet but who knows anything about newspaper layouts? Not me, certainly. Anyways, **R&R!**

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_The Daily Prophet_

_A beetle later identified as Rita Skeeter was found earlier today in a bathroom at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. Not much is known about her death, except the following interview with her famous quick-quill lying forlornly on top._

ANsd os IT CamE TOBE thaTJ thE jKDAKr Lrod t OOK HIssk righTNFULLLN plEECE asSSS the RULAAAArHGR of ThEEEEEEEEEE unIBerce. ThE peOPLeeeee SO RenjoIceD.

_Rita Skeeter looked at the paragraph. She looked at Voldemort's eager face. She looked back at the page again. Then she looked at Voldemort. The brilliant author's head kept jerking between the two._

"_So, my… er, Lord. You aspire to be a writer. And this is one of your first biographical works," Rita Skeeter said slowly. "To be followed by a trilogy about a little green man on his journey home?"_

"_Yes," Voldemort replied somberly, with a tear in his eye. "It will be the most touching story you've every read. A bestseller, I believe!"_

"_Would you mind reading this excerpt out for me?" she asked dazedly, holding it out shakily. "I seem to have… Er, worn the wrong glasses this morning. I can't make out the words." (In other words, she can't read his spelling.)_

"_Certainly!" Voldemort clapped his hands and took it from her. "_And so it came to be that the Dark Lord took his rightful place as the ruler of the universe. The people so rejoiced._ That's from the chapter on my first rise to rule."_

"_What other passages could you enlighten me on? How about chapter nine-and-three-quarters—_Your Time At Hogwarts_? So you… er, willingly admit to setting a giant snake on the other students?"_

"_Well, they looked at me funny. It was only right that a giant monster looked at them funny," Voldemort said crossly. "As I explained in the last part of that chapter."_

"_Some would say that two wrongs don't make a right," she said, then winced and patted her hair._

"_Well, some people die," Voldemort sighed. "It's a pity, really."_

_Rita Skeeter cleared her throat. "Would you like to elaborate, then, on chapter twenty? _The Story behind Dumbledore's Scar?_ Don't you mean Harry Potter's scar?"_

"_No, everyone knows about that. Pfft, what old news!" Voldemort waved his hand. "No, this is about the one on his knee—the one that's the perfect map of the London Underground."_

"_Ah. I see." She gathered her composure, and then looked seriously at him over her spectacles. "How about your childhood issues? I heard your mother died. Why is there no mention of that in your biography?"_

_The interview ends there._

_In other news, a new book by Odette Vlohrm is out, called _Avada Kedavra_, a biographical work on Voldemort's life. It has sold over one million copies so far. According to _the Quibbler_, it is 'rubbish, only partially legible, where the author has substituted parts they don't want to reveal with _'Avada Kedavra' _written continuously over and over again. The publisher must have been blackmailed by Voldemort to publish it—Odette Vlohrm is merely a pseudonym. '_The_ Voldemort'_, _mixed up, just as Tom Marvolo Riddle mixed up can be made to spell, '_I am Lord Voldemort'_. The only reason it's sold so well is because Death Eaters have been blackmailing most people to buy it, and have bought at least ten copies each themselves to raise sales.'_

_Several stores selling _the Quibbler_ have been set on fire. Aurors are currently guarding the other two._

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**A/N:** Shorter than the last chapter but whatever. Hope you enjoyed it! **R&R! **


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